Jacqueline Jablonski, my what a beauty. Her face is the first picture...such strength.
i've recently been dabbling with make up to try and give myself that sort of look. i'm really quite unfortunate you see, i have strong features but something about my face makes me look somewhat...jolly. so ive been trying to define the strength and eliminate the sort of hapy-go-lucky sort of aura i have haha. my attempts were futile mainly because the only make up i own is mascara and eyeliner (does lipbalm count? its a cosmetic). i have literally been berated by all my friends who think my lack of makeup is poor show of feminity from someone whose been wearing heels since 11 (got my first 3 inches then...ahhh), and i sort of agree.
i've always envied girls with overflowing make up boxes, full of eyeshadows, lip sticks, nail polishes and blushers. whilst i sort of stood alone with my solitary eyeliner pencil and a tube of mascara. the only thing i have to compete with is my chanel nail polish collection, but most of that remains unused. oh welll make up just makes me look like a clown anyway.
but moving onto more pressing matters, like my life.
i have been doing the most useless crap this week. i have been acting like a child, or rather someone in their mid-teens...and i usually pride myself on my maturity,but i've gotten up to some nonsense recently that makes me question that.
i'm going to blame it all on one man
i cant remember if i mentioned him before. its been a while since i spoke of men in depth here. But i've been seeing him as a friend/lover/annoying meanie since sept and he wanted to be with me, and i, generally being the damaged and destructive soul i can be when love is concerned, ran away and then sort of offered myself in every emotionally unavailable way to him. however he rejected these impalpable offers and went after what he actually wanted....which in this case, is me.
i'm not quite sure where i am with him, im certainly not ready for a relationship, but i dont not want to have one.
i guess i like the way we are now.
even if where we are is (for the most part) a sartorially challenged mess of pyjamas, chinese take aways, tekken 6 (on xbox 360...no, i am not a teenaged boy) and aqua teen hunger force (a cartoon, no, he is not a teenaged boy). i find it quite refreshing. we have bouts of acting our age too. he'll come meet me all dressed up and take me to dinner or we'll swing by a creperie for vogue (me), the Times (him), cigarettes (both of us) and breakfast (mainly just me, hearing 'wow you can really put away those breakfast muffins' is never comforting).
so i really don't know where we are now. i voiced my mad crazy concerns to him about the validity of our relationship and he told me that we should just take it slow.